He Only Gets Angry...

Q: I think all of this anger management is legitimate, but what about people who have enough sense to not physically display their anger in front of guests, only alone or when their significant other or immediate family is around? This is the case with my significant other, he will get angry when other people are around and curse and scowl, but he never breaks things or screams unless he's alone or just with me. Also he wouldn't pick a fight with a stranger at a food stand or anything like you mention, but he has certain "anger triggers" that get him. I still think he might have the explosive disorder, just more specific to certain annoyances.--Tulips

A: Many of the men who I deal with look like your significant other. The majority of angry men maintain a public image of having it all together. But behind closed doors, alone with their family, they’re a different person.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde,” which refers to having 2 different personas. This behavior is true of many men with anger problems.

I’ve worked with men like this who’ve struggled to understand this problem even themselves. They can’t understand why they only have anger problems with their significant other, and not at work or in other relationships. Some of the reasons for this can be that the relationship with our significant other is where we let our guard down and are our ‘real’ selves, it’s the relationship that brings out the experiences we had with our caregivers growing up, and it's the relationship where our deepest human needs are met or not met.

I wouldn’t worry too much about whether or not his anger problems can be classified as an explosive disorder, but rather just that he has anger problems that need to be fixed. The “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde” behavior of many angry men can be very confusing, especially when the explosive part is aimed at you.

Your significant other needs anger management. You need to insist that he gets anger management in order for your relationship to continue. Be strong and firm about this changing so you can get the man you love all of the time.


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My Wife Abuses Me Emotionally

Q: I'm male. Right now I don't know what to do. I think my wife is emotionally abusive. Some days I try to keep my mouth shut. Today I was mentally hurt by her. I was feeling sad. I should have not told her I was sad because all the sudden she screamed at me and told me she wasn't staying at home. Saying how sick of it she is, slamming stuff around. I'm afraid of this behavior. I don't want to be separated from my kids. But I realize my wife emotionally abuses me. I feel like she might be rubbing off on the kids and maybe someday they will be abusive. That is my biggest fear, for my kids. -- Anonymous
A: You've come to an important realization -- there's a problem in your relationship that needs to be fixed. Too many people in emotionally abusive relationships either never get to that recognition or don't get there fast enough. Congratulations, you've taken the first step towards change.

What you describe does sound like emotionally abusive behavior. Some of the signs of emotional abuse are the volatility, anger, threats, aggression, blame, and personal attacks by the abuser; then fear and self-blame for the victim. Although there may be things you don't know about that are contributing to why she responded this way, the behavior is still emotionally abusive.

You're right in being fearful about how your relationship is negatively affecting your kids. Fear is a common feeling in emotionally abusive relationships, and unfortunately people can allow it keep them feeling trapped and stuck. You need to be concerned for your own well being as well. A characteristic for victims of emotional abuse is not valuing yourself enough.

Emotional abuse is a really hard issue to deal with on your own, so get some support from a professional counselor. If your wife is willing, going to couples counseling together would be a great way for you to get the help you need so that you both can feel heard.

"I pray this article empowers you to M.A.N. up!"

Be on the lookout for my new highly anticipated book; “Don’t Let the 4 Wheels F.O.O.L. You”!!! If you have ever felt as though society has counted you out! You won’t want to miss this inspirational road map to success!

Enough!

Abusive relationships come in all forms. But too often abusive relationships never end. It’s not unusual for the abuse victim to just resign themselves to accepting the relationship and rationalizing the decision.
Abusive relationships can cause an abuse victim to have warped thoughts such as:

• He really loves me
• I’m partly to blame
• It’s too late for things to change

However, it’s never too late to say, enough is enough, to abusive relationships. Michael Jackson’s mother, Katherine, is proof. Mrs. Jackson divorced her husband, Joe, after 60 years of marriage. Here are a few details:

Michael Jackson's parents divorced after 60 years of marriage, after the King of Pop's mother Katherine tired of her husband Joe's cruel behavior.

Mr. Jackson, who was accused of abusing Michael as a child, said: 'I begged her to go over and stay with him, but she insisted he needed his privacy.'

Mrs. Jackson retaliated, saying through her spokesperson: 'Joe Jackson's statement and conduct toward Mrs. Jackson are outrageous.'

Referring to the abuse of their children, the spokesperson then said: 'The world also knows who Joe Jackson is and he seems bent on never letting us forget.'

According to the Daily Star, Mrs. Jackson considered the attack as the final straw.

'She's been humiliated by him for too long. She's absolutely livid. There's no going back.'

Mr. Jackson’s subtle, blaming attack at Mrs. Jackson, implying that she was partly responsible for Michael’s death, is an example of what abusive relationships can look like. If you can relate to such treatment, or even more outright abuse, get some professional help from a licensed therapist. Remember, it’s never too late to say ‘enough!’ to abusive relationships.

"I pray this article empowers you to M.A.N. up!"

Be on the lookout for my new highly anticipated book; “Don’t Let the 4 Wheels F.O.O.L. You”!!!  If you have ever felt as though society has counted you out!  You won’t want to miss this inspirational road map to success!

Facts About Verbal Abuse

1. Abuse is never justified so, you should never feel that it is your fault.
2. Let the abuser know how hurtful their words are and discuss with them the fact that it is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser.
3. Seek counseling, either together or separately.
4. Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends. Discuss with them what is happening and how you are feeling.
5. If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave. Your personal safety is far more important than the relationship.
6. Do not engage in conflict with your abuser. If your spouse becomes angry stay calm, walk away and don’t give him/her what they want…a reaction from you.
7. Take back your power. If you react to the abuser, you are rewarding them. Letting them know they have power over your emotions. Don’t allow the abuser to have control over how you feel.
8. Leave the marriage. If setting boundaries, getting therapy and refusing to respond to the abuse doesn’t work, then it is time to consider divorce. There are times when the best thing you can do for yourself is, break all ties with your abuser.  God hates divorce, but he doesn't want you dead!

The most important thing to remember about verbal abuse is that its purpose is to control. The key to responding to verbal abuse is learning how to break free of the control and get your power back. Don't underestimate how difficult this can be. In order successfully stop verbal abuse it's critical to have the guidance and coaching of an experienced professional counselor. Don't go it alone any longer.


"I pray this article empowers you to M.A.N. up!"

Verbal Abuse Examples from Victims

Wondering what verbal emotional abuse looks like? Let's start with what it feels like. Verbal emotional abuse feels like getting punched and hugged at the same time.
Verbal emotional abuse can be very difficult to recognize when you're in the middle of it. Often a verbal abuser will appear to care for you while at the same time they're hurting you deeply. The hurt from verbal abuse isn't an obvious, external wound. It's a subtle, internal wound to your self-identity.

Here are some examples of verbal emotional abuse from a few victims:

• I am in a verbally abusive relationship with my husband. I am called stupid, dumb etc..he even tells me I'm stupid for being with him. . . My self esteem is in the gutter.
• My boyfriend always said it was my fault he called me a names. I shouldn't have been late, because he had prepared dinner. . . I BELIEVED him. . . The abuse happens after they have you believe in them. They make you actually think, it's your fault they can't control yourself. . . I was brainwashed into thinking I'm fat, unattractive, nobody would want me while he was going to go on living his rocking life.
• The first time he made me cry he felt so bad I thought it would get better. But it never did. I am called all sorts of names, told to shut the f*** up, that he doesn't want to look at my stupid face. I never get an apology or if I do it's "I'm sorry but really this is your fault."
• I have been with my husband for 16 years now and the last 10 years have been hell. I never do anything right in his opinion. The food is never good enough, the house never clean enough. I'm not thin enough. He calls me fat and bitch in front of our children and now my little boy has started calling me fat. How am I supposed to react to that? He tells me I am worthless. He will not give me money when I need it. He tells me I don't pay the bills so why should he give me anything? I don't know what to do. I am so lost and alone.
• Every stressful moment in his life is taken out on me. His insults are so shocking I sit, stunned, as he tries to degrade me. In the beginning, I trusted he meant the things he said, and of course I would cry my eyes out. My face was always puffy from crying. Slowly I noticed how my mind altered due to his insults. My self esteem was a complete zero. . . Ex: "Your life is a joke." "Every decision you made in your life was a mistake." "You are a sh*t-head (because I won Trivial Pursuit. How trivial.)" And worse and worse. He often uses what others think against me. . . He uses my insecurities against me.
• In the beginning I met a great guy, charming, smooth talking, talked himself up to everyone. He was s dream. Once we became official, my clothes weren't right, my hair was too messy, I was a c*nt. I embarrassed him etc. I was told to have sex twice daily or he would leave me, my self esteem dropped drastically. I went from successful to lazy and always wanting to sleep. I did everything for him in order to make him happy. His drinking became horrible; his fists hit the walls during a fight. I was never GOOD enough but he "loved me" and everything was for "my own good". Crying everyday, depressed, feeling "crazy". . .

Can you see yourself or someone you love in these stories of verbal emotional abuse? If you're in a verbally abusive relationship, get the help of a licensed counselor to learn what to do. As the last quote said, verbal abuse can make you feel "crazy," so you need a professional therapist to help you recognize the truth and restore the real "you."


"I pray this article empowers you to M.A.N. up!"