The mental pain and anguish suffered by women who abort their babies is well
known and widely publicized within the pro-life movement.
What about a man involved in the decision to abort his baby? Does he too
suffer negative psychological effects? If so, where can he turn for help to
cope?
There are more than thirty-million men who are struggling to cope
with the loss of their children through abortion. For many they willingly
participated in the decision to abort and assisted their partners in securing an
abortion.
Several even pressured their partners into having an abortion. Sadly, some
watch helplessly as their precious unborn child was aborted in spite of their
pleas to give their baby life. Still others weren’t told of their fatherhood
until after their child had already died in the abortion chamber.
MOTIVATING FACTORSIn many ways
men and women respond very differently to the loss of a child from abortion. To
empathize with a man’s reaction to this profound loss, it is important to first
understand what motivates the human male species.
Instinct drives men to achieve success in five key areas of their lives. Men
are often defined by their ability to: [enjoy] pleasure, procreate, provide,
protect and perform. Let’s briefly examine each of these instincts in the
context of abortion.
Pleasure. The desire for men to enjoy pleasure extends beyond the need for
sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. It also encompasses the enjoyment of having
children, watching them grow, learn and become independent and productive
citizens in their own right. Men also seek the pleasure of a life-mate, a wife
who will provide companionship through the ups and downs along the way.
Procreate. Perhaps the most important element motivating man is his desire to
procreate. Men provide an essential role in the continuation of the human race.
Almost every man, whether he verbalizes it or not, values the idea of having
offspring of his own flesh and blood — carrying on the family name or bloodline.
Provide. A man’s reproductive cycle ends with the act of sex — the same time
that a woman’s cycle begins. Therefore a man’s priority shifts from procreation
to providing for the mother and the unborn offspring he has fathered. He
instinctively knows that this new family will look to him for many of the
day-to-day necessities. In his mind it is important that he succeeds in
providing for them.
Protect. Like providing for his family, man is highly programmed to protect
his family. During his child’s lifetime there will be many dangers to
continually guard against — the threats of illness or injury, making wise
decisions and knowing when to say no to a myriad of tempting offers throughout
life. The need for a man to protect his offspring should not be underestimated.
Perform. When talked about in contemporary society, this word most often
refers to a man’s sexual ability. While this applies, it is not limited to
sexual activity. Performance encompasses man’s ability to perform in various
aspects of life. Job performance is often primary to defining a man’s success —
the income it generates, the social standing it provides and the attained
admiration of his peers. Successful performance in the social arena secures
friendships and helps a man achieve his desire for pleasure.
Society often judges a man based on his ability to be successful at pleasure,
procreation, provision, protection and performance. When a man experiences
abortion, these key elements of life are seriously damaged, or often totally
obliterated.
THE SYMPTOMSPerhaps the most
consistent and evident symptom in men due to loss of a child from abortion is
anger. A counselor, who personally experienced the abortion decision, indicated
that every man he has counseled has a higher level of anger than before the
abortion. In addition, each has acted on that anger in some way that was harmful
to himself or someone else. Another counselor likened this anger to that of a
"ticking time-bomb just waiting to go off."
A man’s anger and frustration of not being able to protect and provide for
his unborn baby, because of abortion, manifests itself in several ways. He often
turns to alcohol and drugs to dull the pain of feeling he participated in or was
too "weak" to prevent the death of his unborn baby. Many become workaholics to
avoid contact with other people or in a desperate effort to succeed in a crucial
aspect of their life.
The relationship most always fails after a decision to abort. In addition,
future relationships with women are often difficult or impossible. A woman has
total control over the decision to abort their baby, leaving the father no legal
recourse. This lack of control regarding a critical, life-impacting decision
often generates considerable resentment and mistrust towards women. As a result
of a previous experience, they do not want to be put into another situation
where another pregnancy may occur and they have no control of the outcome. Some
men experiment with homosexuality because it allows them to have a successful
sexual relationship with no commitment and no worry of pregnancy. Men may suffer
from other forms of sexual dysfunction such as impotency and addiction to
pornography and masturbation.
Other symptoms of a man struggling with a loss from abortion may be that he
suffers from sleeplessness, panic attacks, poor coping skills, flashbacks,
nightmares or self-imposed isolation. He may be unable to hold a job due to his
inability to handle decision making, or he may be an excessive risk-taker in
work and social environments, setting himself up for failure. This may come from
the feeling that he deserves what he gets for being a loser and failing when it
counted most — protecting his unborn baby.
DEALING WITH THE SYMPTOMSTo be
most effective, ideally a man should receive counsel from another man when
dealing with the grief and shame caused by an abortion decision. A man may
better assist another man struggling with the loss of his child and fatherhood.
However, women have been very successful counseling men.
In general, men are more successful than women at burying their feelings
after an abortion. If a man fails to face the emotional aftermath of losing his
child to abortion within the first couple of months, he will often suppress it
for many years, making it more difficult to face. Many men acknowledge various
problems in their life without connecting them to a previous abortion decision.
Society makes it doubly tough for men to deal with the aftermath of abortion.
First, most in the secular realm don’t even acknowledge the existence of
Post-Abortion Stress (PAS) in women. Secondly, men are often taught as children
that it is less than manly to show weakness or cry. As a result, men have no
societal incentive to realistically deal with their abortion decision.
When addressing post-traumatic stress in men, it is not effective to approach
it from the angle of PAS. Men tend to be compartmental thinkers. A vast majority
of them have bought into the false rhetoric that abortion is solely a woman’s
decision. Talking to them about PAS will enforce their belief that this is
something that only affects women.
Instead of PAS, a man may be more open to talking about and dealing with the
loss of his child in the general context of abortion. That loss has affected him
dramatically. However, he may not yet be aware that it is the root-cause of his
problems. It may be helpful to talk about the symptoms commonly experienced by
other men after an abortion decision. When he realizes that he shares many of
those symptoms, he is more apt to look at the cause for his problems in a new
light.
Most experienced counselors advocate a gentle but direct approach. This is no
time for subtlety. Tell him it’s OK to grieve for the baby he will never see or
hold in his arms. Let him cry for his profound loss. Let him cry as much and as
often as he needs to. He needs to grieve the loss and shame.
Almost every woman who has begun the road to recovery after her abortion has
given credit to the fact that she returned to, or discovered, her religious
faith. That has proven to also be true with men. Allow him to experience the joy
of knowing he has complete, divine forgiveness. This will enable him to move on
to the next crucial stage of obtaining that God-given peace within himself. This
is likely the hardest step to complete. Because of his deep fear and distrust,
he may feel unworthy of a relationship with God.
Counselors encourage churches to deal openly with this problem. "There are
many Christian men, sitting in pews, who haven’t dealt with their abortion
decision," said one counselor. When speaking of his own experience he said, "If
one man or the church had said something, I would have responded."
"I pray this article empowers you to M.A.N. up!"
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