Incest and Men

Incest

The traditional definition of incest is sexual activity between blood relatives. Michael Lew's definition of incest is more inclusive. Incest is a violation of a position of trust, power, and protection. Sex between blood relatives is just one part of a more inclusive view of incest. Incest differs from other forms of sexual abuse in that the perpetrator is assumed to stand in a protective (parental) role to the victim. It is not necessary that the "parenting" figure be a family member. The perpetrator could be a relative by blood or marriage, parent, stepparent, older sibling, neighbor, family friend, teacher, member of the clergy, therapist, physician, baby-sitter, camp counselor, or any other care-taker.

Messages about Masculinity and Sexuality

To understand the context in which abuse, survival, and recovery take place, there must be an understanding and examination of the cultural beliefs regarding abuse, victims, perpetrators, children, women and men. Masculinity training begins at birth. Studies have shown that male and female babies tend to be held differently, treated differently, and given differing degrees of attention.

Once men accept that they fail to meet the standards of masculinity, they carry a sense of inferiority into most areas of life. Men often spend their lives trying to "prove" their masculinity, or have succumbed to the feeling that because they aren't "all men," they aren't men at all. No true man displays "womanly" attributes. Men must not show "softer emotions." Men must be strong, devoid of fear, unflinching, and capable. Any lapse into doubt, confusion, tenderness or emotionalism is perceived as weakness.

Restricting the range of permissible behavior and emotions compromises a man's creativity and his ability to respond flexibly to life situations. For the man or boy whose temperament is incompatible with the traditional male image, life can be hell. He may be teased, ridiculed, shunned, or even brutalized. It may be difficult for him to achieve credibility in social, educational, and professional environments. He may be rejected by his family as a source of embarrassment. Failing to develop into the male ideal, some men pretend to be what they are not, turning themselves into a parody of traditional machismo. Others give up the attempt, rejecting themselves because of their perceived failure as men.

The traditional view of the "ideal " male leaves every male feeling isolated. Forced to depend only upon themselves (for fear of seeming less than a man) cooperating becomes a virtual impossibility. Vulnerability, seen as weakness, is equally impossible. Men, in turn, do not have access to their tender, emotional, nurturing, and sympathetic qualities. Rigid adherence to a particular view of masculinity not only increases the incidence of victimization, but severely inhibits prospects of recovery.

The male is expected to be confident, knowledgeable, experienced, aggressive, and dominant. Our culture provides no room for a man as a victim. Men are simply not supposed to be victimized. A "real" man is expected to be able to solve any problem and recover from any setback. When he experiences victimization, our culture expects him to be able to "deal with like a man." Men are supposed to be in control of their feelings at all times. The survivor's ongoing feelings of confusion, frustration, anger, and fear can be further evidence of his failing as a man. The victimized male wonders and worries about what the abuse has turned him into. Believing that he is no longer an adequate man, he may see himself as a child, a woman, gay, or less than human.

The survivor may set himself up as a:

1. Perpetrator - He feels that he must achieve power so as to avoid further victimization. The world is divided in victims and perpetrators, abuse can be interpreted as power.
2. Victim - Once again, the survivor feels that the only options to men are the roles of victim and perpetrators. Knowing how he felt as a victim, he is determined that he will never be a victim again, he is determined that he will never victimize another human being. So he resigns himself to remaining a victim.
3. Protector - Feeling that children are in constant danger from adults, many male survivors deal with their fear of being abused by taking on the role of protector. Many enter the human service professions.

Male survivors of incest often deal with confusion about their sexuality. Since the abuse was committed sexually, it is often seen as an act of sexual passion instead of an aggressive and destructive violation. Questions about their sexuality often centers on the issue of their sexual orientation since most of the perpetrators are men. Heterosexual survivors wonder whether they can ever function successfully as a sexual partner to a woman-Am I man enough. This concern can lead to sexual "performance anxiety" or promiscuous behavior in an attempt to "prove his Manhood." The question also asked is, "Does this mean I'm gay?" For gay men this question often takes the form of, "Is this why I'm gay?" Another question asked is, "Did this happen to me because I'm gay?"

Adult survivors of sexual abuse live their lives in the face of massive shame. Survivors face shame that they "allowed themselves" to be demeaned and weakened. If they enjoyed any part of the abuse they see it as further confirmation of their shortcomings-they have failed as human beings and as men. Any sexual activity with a man or woman can re stimulate shameful feelings. Sex has been so strongly associated with victimization and shame that it takes great effort to break the connection.

"I pray this article empowers you to M.A.N. up!"

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